It's Not About You (In the Very Wise Words of Another Foster Blogger, Vicky M. Thorne)

What it feels likes when you say, "oh I could never do that"

The "that" of course being fostering.

Oh, "that'd be soooo hard"

Oh, "ugh I could NEVER do that, I'd get so attached!!"

Like "it'd be so haaaaaaard"

"I'd be so saaaaad to see them go!"

No shit, Sherlock. It IS hard, it does suck, you DO get attached and yes, it rips your heart out when they leave.

But fostering is not about YOU and your emotional COMFORT, it's about being willing to be provide safety & comfort for a child whose whole world is NOT safe or comfortable.

So, please, save it- you whining about how hard it would be for YOU belittles those of us who DO. Encourage, praise, even just a "wow" would be fine, but don't wax eloquent about how you could neeeever do it, lest I be forced to school you about how selfish you sound.

*mic drop*

Training Day

I decided to recertify to foster children the upcoming year. I am getting some negative reactions and it does bother me. But it's not about "them" or "me;" it's about the children. It's about the Higher calling on my heart. So, I proceed.
We went to the Thanksgiving dinner given at the agency and it was a bit awkward at first. I don't have a placement right now, just me and my girl went. It was very crowded and the food was okay and plentiful. When we sat down sharing a chair, a toddler threw up right in front of us into his mother's hand. Needless to say, my girl would not eat after that. I managed to scarf down two taquitos and some rice and beans.
Mid-meal J finally opened up and relaxed and made friends with a little girl sitting next to us. She was beautiful and had a beautiful name to match. Her foster mama was standing over her four brothers and sisters (yeah, including her that makes FIVE in all!) and watching them eat, never moving her eyes away from them.
Can I tell you how much I learned from her in the hour we spent sitting at the table together. Well, she never sat down. She didn't eat...but there we all were together. I learned patience. I learned more about a mother's role. I learned about sacrifice. I learned about what it means to put others first.
We spoke about how she happened to get all of the children who are brothers and sisters. I heard her telling another foster parent she hopes to adopt them, "so they will grow up together."
This is why I foster parent. Someone asked me how I handle all of the "psychopathology" in the foster care system. They don't understand how much I gain from it, how much I learn, how much it has and continues to break me open to be a better person and GROW...and LOVE.

Today, I have a four hour training. I doubt they will keep us that long. But I will get the four hours credit towards the twelve that I need to recertify. Then,  comes the homestudy and resubmitting all the paper work.

At the end of the dinner, a friend of the foster parents of Baby Sage came up to me and showed me some photos on her phone of Sage. He was sleeping in all of the photos. I dreamed of him last night...that I was holding him and he recognized me and was smiling.

Changes II

After a few months to take a step back and process our two foster placements this sumer, I have figured out a few things:

1. If I would have known my preemie Baby Sage was born methadone positive, I probably would not have agreed to the placement. I have good friends in the social welfare system and when they heard about the baby, they told me to ask about blood toxicology. I called the agency and of course was told that aside from being premature, the baby was absolutely normal and healthy.

2. Premature babies born withdrawing from methadone require special care...MAINLY, they need to be held a lot. They cry A LOT. They do not sleep at night. Many of them have a "baaah baaaahh" cry like a baby sheep. It is heart-breaking. When Baby Sage was trembling and almost levitating off of the bassinet mattress because his tremors were so bad, I did not know what to do. Sorry, Agency...MAPP classes did not go into this at all.

3. Instinctively, I wrapped him and held him tight. But as a foster parent, we are not supposed to sleep with the babies and I understand why. But how do you leave a screaming, withdrawing baby on his own in a bassinet. Let's not talk about the darting eyes, which scared me down to my core and the multiple sneezes...say, 11 in a row. My poor baby Sage.

4. No, I was not informed or prepared to deal with that. My heart was in the right place. That it was. I would still be willing and ABLE to make a home for a baby (not withdrawing from drugs, not preemie) in our home. While he was here, Sage was loved endlessly by me and my daughter who fed him, held him, hugged him and loved on him. I am so proud of her.

After Sage's interrupted placement, I went up to Homefinding at the agency just to check in and talk. What did I hear?

"We thought you wanted a baby! Didn't you know babies DON'T SLEEP?!" Um, yeah, I had a baby nine years ago, remember ladies. I'm a single mom and basically always was.

I should have reminded them of the fact that they did not know or rather they did not tell me that he was born methadone positive. That was a big one.

When I texted Baby Sage's social worker (who up until last week was still sending me photos of him) that I have decided to leave the agency and why, she simply wrote back one line:

"You need to do what is best for you and your family."  Gee, thanks, Sister. I have blocked her number. I said a prayer for Sage and have prayed God will watch over him, blessing him and protecting him always.

As for that agency...It's time to move on.

Stay tuned for Part II of the Baby Sage saga and the LITTLE MISS saga (our second placement). That too, was also a doozy.

Transitions

I called my home finder just to say hello last week. I wanted to make sure I was still on her radar.

School and work start back up tomorrow. I always get so sad to leave my girl for the day after having all summer together. Even though I know she is in a wonderful school and she really does like it, it just feels unnatural to not be with her.

I told her this evening that I couldn't even imagine having to leave baby Sage tomorrow if he had still been with us. I'd be leaving two children...or preparing two children to go to other places for the day. Either way, it would have been extra-sad. Transitions are tough. Makes me think of what foster children and babies often go through.

Bliss

Me holding Baby Boy, July 2013

Calling on Kundalini

The past two loads of wash that have come from the laundromat had  little articles of clothing from baby boy...a hat here, a blanket there, a pair of premie pants the size of my hand came back this evening.

I wonder if we will have another placement. My age range is so narrow now and I will be returning back to work in a few weeks. It all seems so impossible to visualize in this moment.

Yet, I still see a crib in my room and a little, chunky (older) baby girl bouncing around in it.

Time to do Kundalini Yoga and Mediation again. Seems like whenever I practiced Kundalini,
we were called for a placement.

I believe Kundalini magnetizes your deepest desires and pulls them in closer towards you.

What other explanation can there be for us getting the call for Baby Sage when we did?

Little, chunky, Baby Girl, we will wait for you.

All I Want

...is for Baby Sage to come back.

I just went into my closet to find some birthday presents I hid from my big girl, and I found
one of his little feeding bottles from the hospital.

I miss him terribly.