Changes II

After a few months to take a step back and process our two foster placements this sumer, I have figured out a few things:

1. If I would have known my preemie Baby Sage was born methadone positive, I probably would not have agreed to the placement. I have good friends in the social welfare system and when they heard about the baby, they told me to ask about blood toxicology. I called the agency and of course was told that aside from being premature, the baby was absolutely normal and healthy.

2. Premature babies born withdrawing from methadone require special care...MAINLY, they need to be held a lot. They cry A LOT. They do not sleep at night. Many of them have a "baaah baaaahh" cry like a baby sheep. It is heart-breaking. When Baby Sage was trembling and almost levitating off of the bassinet mattress because his tremors were so bad, I did not know what to do. Sorry, Agency...MAPP classes did not go into this at all.

3. Instinctively, I wrapped him and held him tight. But as a foster parent, we are not supposed to sleep with the babies and I understand why. But how do you leave a screaming, withdrawing baby on his own in a bassinet. Let's not talk about the darting eyes, which scared me down to my core and the multiple sneezes...say, 11 in a row. My poor baby Sage.

4. No, I was not informed or prepared to deal with that. My heart was in the right place. That it was. I would still be willing and ABLE to make a home for a baby (not withdrawing from drugs, not preemie) in our home. While he was here, Sage was loved endlessly by me and my daughter who fed him, held him, hugged him and loved on him. I am so proud of her.

After Sage's interrupted placement, I went up to Homefinding at the agency just to check in and talk. What did I hear?

"We thought you wanted a baby! Didn't you know babies DON'T SLEEP?!" Um, yeah, I had a baby nine years ago, remember ladies. I'm a single mom and basically always was.

I should have reminded them of the fact that they did not know or rather they did not tell me that he was born methadone positive. That was a big one.

When I texted Baby Sage's social worker (who up until last week was still sending me photos of him) that I have decided to leave the agency and why, she simply wrote back one line:

"You need to do what is best for you and your family."  Gee, thanks, Sister. I have blocked her number. I said a prayer for Sage and have prayed God will watch over him, blessing him and protecting him always.

As for that agency...It's time to move on.

Stay tuned for Part II of the Baby Sage saga and the LITTLE MISS saga (our second placement). That too, was also a doozy.

Transitions

I called my home finder just to say hello last week. I wanted to make sure I was still on her radar.

School and work start back up tomorrow. I always get so sad to leave my girl for the day after having all summer together. Even though I know she is in a wonderful school and she really does like it, it just feels unnatural to not be with her.

I told her this evening that I couldn't even imagine having to leave baby Sage tomorrow if he had still been with us. I'd be leaving two children...or preparing two children to go to other places for the day. Either way, it would have been extra-sad. Transitions are tough. Makes me think of what foster children and babies often go through.

Bliss

Me holding Baby Boy, July 2013

Calling on Kundalini

The past two loads of wash that have come from the laundromat had  little articles of clothing from baby boy...a hat here, a blanket there, a pair of premie pants the size of my hand came back this evening.

I wonder if we will have another placement. My age range is so narrow now and I will be returning back to work in a few weeks. It all seems so impossible to visualize in this moment.

Yet, I still see a crib in my room and a little, chunky (older) baby girl bouncing around in it.

Time to do Kundalini Yoga and Mediation again. Seems like whenever I practiced Kundalini,
we were called for a placement.

I believe Kundalini magnetizes your deepest desires and pulls them in closer towards you.

What other explanation can there be for us getting the call for Baby Sage when we did?

Little, chunky, Baby Girl, we will wait for you.

All I Want

...is for Baby Sage to come back.

I just went into my closet to find some birthday presents I hid from my big girl, and I found
one of his little feeding bottles from the hospital.

I miss him terribly.

What I Have Learned From My First Two Foster Placements

1. So far, I don't think any amount of MAPP classes, certifications, teaching experience or required trainings could have possibly prepared me for the experiences I've had this far.

2. I need to establish and maintain FIRM boundaries with the bio parents. This may be one of the most important lessons for me.

3. My teacher at a recent training kept repeating "You have to know your limits." Most people in my class who are over 40 all agreed that they don't think they could ever care for an infant. That is their limit. I don't know if it is mine. Although, I never in a million years thought I would be offered an infant placement...and there I was with a preemie for a few weeks.

4. I MUST HAVE HELP - If I have more than one child here, which I will when we receive another placement, I must have at least TWO backup babysitters/nannies ready to go. It may not have been as difficult with Baby Sage if I had hired a part-time nanny to help with his care in those crazy first few weeks of his withdrawal, tremors and inability to sleep at night. I thought I had THOUGHT of everything. I had all the clothes, gear, and accessories. Since I am used to doing everything by myself and always have, I did not even think about how important this would be.
***I'm interviewing candidates this week.

5. I think a younger child will be best for our home at this point. My daughter is turning nine tomorrow. She did really well with the baby. She adored him and actively engaged with him, his care, his presence in our home made her happy. He was the first face she looked for when she woke up; with our six-year old Little Miss, not so much.

6. My new age range to say yes...6 months to 4 years old. I have decided I won't take a child over four. It becomes a difficult dynamic for an older female child to be here with me and my daughter. Little Miss would become angry and then distraught when she observed me showing any form of love to my daughter. It was really hard for the two of them by the end of her stay with us.

7. Now that my job is about to start up...well, in three weeks. I don't think I will be taking any more placements until our next vacation;  unless it is God's will of course, then it will be different.

8. I need to pray more for all children in care, for their parents, the foster parents, the agency workers and all who are effected and touch these precious lives. We all need His divine love and grace.

Working Around The System

Yesterday was our second to last day at the Vacation Bible School I've been volunteering at and my girl cub has been attending. We brought Little Miss with us. She was very apprehensive. Who could blame her? We were all in pretty bad shape as LM was brought to our home so late. We had all had about six hours or under, which is very little for two school-age kids and a very active Mama parent.

She went with the flow pretty well but kept herself wrapped around me like a koala bear hugs a eucalyptus tree. Eventually, she did get used to it as I knew she would. She is such a spirited little one. By the end of the day she was loving it all, singing the songs with her strong, raspy little voice and talking to the other kids and staff.

Then I got the call...

The social worker told me that she had gone to Little Miss's original foster home and that Little Miss would not be staying. She said it was a misunderstanding on her part; the fact that the original foster mom hurt her back and needed to get an MRI and a shot, but had planned on the kids who were taken from her home, being returned by Monday.

A misunderstanding? From the little time I've spent working within this system, I find that a pretty big misunderstanding. How do you take a child out of a place she has known as "home" for the past few months pretty late in the evening...and bring her to a new home. How do you tell her new foster family (us) that she will be staying until she is due to return back to her Mom in September and then call a day later and tell us it was a misunderstanding?

I guess it happens but talk about confusing the kids.

To make a long story short...I met with Little Miss's mom today when I had to bring her to the agency so she could go spend the weekend with her. We talked at length. She said Little Miss looked very happy and that maybe it would be best for her to stay in our home and to go on our overnight on Monday, even.

She seemed to think the original foster parent's home was a bit chaotic and that there may be too many kids there. She was concerned about the recent tantrums and asked if LM had displayed any of that behavior. I told her no, and we haven't.

She is going to call me over the weekend to let me know what she decides.